To all moms in all forms….. all types……. all kinds…. and
all….. this is hilarious . . .
Enjoy the answers given by elementary school age children to the
following questions:

Why did God make mothers?
1. She’s the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger
parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men’s bones. Then they mostly use
string. I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We’re related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people’s moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don’t know because I wasn’t there, but my guess would be pretty
bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get
drunk on beer? Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and
YES to chores.

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a
lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn’t have her thinking cap on.

Who’s the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn’t want to be boss, but she has to because dad’s such a
goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the
bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What’s the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just got to work at
work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
’cause that’s who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend’s.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don’t do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she’s already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I’d diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I’d get
rid of that.
2. I’d make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who
did it and not me.

Temubual seorang pemuda dengan pakcik gembala biri-biri

Pemuda : Boleh saya tanya beberapa soalan tak?
Pakcik   : Boleh aje ….
Pemuda : Berapa jauh biri-biri ni berjalan setiap hari?
Pakcik   : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih
Pakcik   : Kalau yang putih lebih kjurangenam kilometer setiap hari.
Pemuda : Yang hitam?
Pakcik   : Yang hitam pun sama….
Pemuda : Berapa banyak pulak rumput biri-biri ni makan setiap hari?
Pakcik   : Yang mana, yang putih atau yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik   : Ah, yang putih lebih kurang empat kilo rumput setiap hari.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik   : Yang hitam pun sama….
Pemuda : Berapa banyak bulu yang mereka hasilkan setiap tahun?
Pakcik   : Yang mana, yang putih ke yang hitam?
Pemuda : Yang putih?
Pakcik   : Aaaa…. yang putih sekitar enam kilo bulu setiap tahun.
Pemuda : Dan yang hitam?
Pakcik   : Yang hitam pun sama….
Pemuda : Kenapa pakcik membezakan biri-biri pakcik yang putih dengan yang hitam, padahal
jawapan semuanya sama aje?
Pakcik   : Mestilah …. sebab biri-biri yang putih itu pakcik yang punya.
Pemuda : Oooooh! gitu ke … abis tu yang hitam tu sapa punya?
Pakcik   : Yang hitam pun sama ….

George Carlin’s Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we
like to get old is
when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old,
you’re so excited about
aging that you think in fractions.

“How old are you?” “I’m four and a half!” You’re never
thirty-six and a
half. You’re four and a half, going on five!

That’s the key.

You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back.
You jump to the next
number, or even a few ahead.

“How old are you?” “I’m gonna be 16!” You could be 13,
but hey, you’re gonna
be 16! And then the greatest day of your life . . .
you become 21. Even the
words sound like a ceremony . . YOU BECOME 21.
YESSSS!!!

But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there?
Makes you sound like bad
milk! . He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no
fun now, you’re just
a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?

You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40.

Whoa! Put on! the brakes, it’s all slipping away.
Before you know it, you
REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.

But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you
would!

So you BECOME 2 1, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE
it to 60.

You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After
that it’s a day-by-day
thing; you HIT Wednesday!

You get into your 80s and every day is a complete
cycle; you HIT lunch; you
TURN 4:30; you REACH bedtime.

And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start
going backwards; “I Was
JUST 92.”

Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100,
you become a little
kid again. “I’m 100 and a half!”

May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
HOW TO STAY YOUNG

1. Throw out nonessential numbers. This includes age,
weight and height. Let
the doctors worry about them. That is why you pay
them.

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you
down.

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer,
crafts, gardening,
whatever. Never let the brain idle! . ” An idle mind
is the devil’s
workshop.” And the devil’s name is Alzheimer’s.

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp
for breath.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The
only person who is
with us our entire life, is ourselves. Be ALIVE while
you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, Whether it’s
family, pets,
keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home
is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If
it is unstable,
improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get
help.

9. Don’t take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall,
even to the next county;
to a foreign country but NOT to where the guilt is.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them, at
every opportunity.

AND ALWAYS REMEMBER:
Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take,
but by the moments
that take our breath away.

1) Lubang ape yang rasanye hangat,nikmat dan nyaman?
Answer: LU BANGun pagi2, tarik selimut pas tu tido balik.

2) Minyak ape yang disukai oleh lelaki?
Answer: MINYAKsikan pertandingan bolasepak English Premier League

3) Kuih ape yang bungkusnya di dalam, isinya di luar?
Answer: Kuih salah bikin.

4) Binatang ape power Karate?
Answer: Kuda belang.cube kira brape black belt dia ade.

5) Siape yang menemukan dompet kulit?
Answer: Yang menemukan dompet kulit tersebut tolong pulangkan kepada  saye.

7) Pintu ape yang walaupun dengan 10 org pun tak leh nak tolak?
Answer: nPintu yang adetulis ‘TARIK’

Saya ade 3 kepala,4 tangan dan 5 kaki…siapakah saya?
Answer: Pembohong…

9) Apa dia ‘Jauh di mata, dekat di hati’?
Answer: Usus

10) Binatang ape yang seluruh anggota tubuhnya kat kepala?
Answer: Kutu rambut

11) Nenek sape jalannya meloncat-loncat?
Answer: Neneknye si katak

12) Knape lelaki jarang kene penyakit anjing gila?
Answer: Sbb lelaki ni kan ‘buaya’

13)Ape beza sekretari baik ngan sekretari kurang baik?
Answer:
- Sekretari baik………………’Selamat pagi tuan’
- Sekretari kurang baik………..’Dah pagi ni tuan’

14) Ape persamaan Michael Jordan ngan Michael Jackson?
Answer: Dua-dua tak kenal korang…hehe

15) Tukang ape yang kalau dipanggil, die menjenguk ke atas?
Answer: Tukang gali kubur

16) Nak mencari sikit punye susah, bile dah dapat buang, ape bendanya?
Answer: Tahi hidung

17) Ape persamaan kain jemuran ngan telefon?
Answer: Dua-dua kalau dah ‘kringgg’ bole diangkat…

18) Knape pokok kelapa kat depan rumah harus ditebang?
Answer: Mestilah kene tebang, sape nak cabut pokok kelapa …gile ape…

19) Gajah terbang dengan ape?
Answer: Dengan susah payah……

Marriage Humour
==========

1. Women are unpredictable. Before marriage, she expects a man, after
marriage she suspects him, and after death she respects him.

2. There was this guy who told his woman that he loved her so much that he
would go thru hell for her. They got married – and now he is going thru
hell.

3. A man inserted an ‘ad’ in the classifieds : “Wife wanted “. Next day, he
received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing : “You can have
mine.”

4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,you can be sure of one
thing: either the car is new or the wife.

5. It’s easy to tell if a man is married or not. Just watch him drive a car
with a woman sitting beside him. If both his hands are on the wheel, you can
be sure he is married.

6. A man received a letter from some kidnappers. The letter said, “If you
don’t promise to send us $100,000 I swear that we will kidnap your wife.”
The poor man wrote back, ” I am afraid I can’t keep my promise but I hope
you will keep yours.”

7. What’s the matter, you look depressed.” “I’m having trouble with my
wife.” “What happened?” “She said she wasn’t going to speak to me for 30
days.” “But that ought to make you happy.” “It did, but today is the last
day.”

WOMAN
When she is 18 – She is a football, 22 men going after her.
When she is 28 – She is a hockey ball, 8 men going after her.
When  she is 38 – She is a golf ball, 1 man hitting on her.
When she is 48 – she is a pingpong ball, 2 men pushing to each other.

MAN
At 20 – A man is like a coconut, so much to offer, so little to give.
At 30 – He is like a durian, dangerous but delicious.
At 40 – He is like a watermelon, big, round and juicy.
At 50 – He is like a mandarin orange, the season comes once in a year.
At 60 – He is just like a raisin, dried out, wrinkles and cheap.

Rules of Manhood
===========

01: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

02: It is ok for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
c. After wrecking your boss’ car.
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game”.
e. When she is using her teeth.

03: Any Man who brings a camera to a stag night may be legally killed and
eaten by his mates.

04: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out
of jail within 12 hours.

05: If you’ve known a bloke for more than 24 hours, his sister is off
limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

06: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mate’s fridge is forbidden.
Complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

07: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another
man. In fact, even remembering your mate’s birthday is strictly optional.

08: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the
weakest.

09: When stumbling upon other blokes watching a sporting event, you may ask
the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who’s playing.

10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her
to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of
flatulent entertainment, she’s officially your girlfriend.

11: It is permissible to quaff a fruity alcopop drink only when you’re
sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless
supermodel…and it’s free.

12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to
kick another bloke in the nuts.

13: Unless you’re in prison, never fight naked.

14: Friends don’t let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

15: If a man’s fly is down, that’s his problem, you didn’t see anything.

16: Women who claim they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game (can explain offside or LBW)
and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.

18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza,
but not both – that’s just mean.

19: If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you’d better be talking
about his choice of beer.

20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a mate of yours,
except if she’s withholding s*x pending your response.

21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C’mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!

22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e.
Both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an
almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have s*x with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up
if necessary.

24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly “just a friend” have
carnal drunken monkey s*x, the fact that you’re feeling weird and guilty is
no reason not to nail her again before the discussion about what a big
mistake it was.

25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her
to drive yours.

26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green,
orange or sky blue.

27: The girl who replies to the question “What do you want for Christmas?”
with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” gets an Xbox. End of story.

28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics.
Ever